Steven
by themorningafter
Summary: A short little songfic I wrote in about 10 minutes.  Hyde's thoughts postNobody's Fault But Mine.  T for some languageI don't own T7S or the song Say Yes by Elliot Smith.


_I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after…_

Love. Love is something I have never understood, maybe because I didn't experience it for the first seventeen years of my life. Until I moved in with the Formans, love didn't exist in my home…unless the countless sleepovers my mother had with random men would be considered love. And even when I finally felt it, I didn't recognize it. Not until it was gone.

_We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know I'd be around the morning after…_

I'm still not sure why I didn't just say something when I saw Kelso and Jackie in Donna's living room. I'm not good with words and I never have been. Not even Jackie could change that about me. Emotions make you weak, and when you're weak, you do stupid things. As hard as I try to stay Zen, Jackie makes me feel, and sometimes I don't know how to deal with that. So when I saw them, I did what I do best. I ruined it.

_It's always been wait and see_

_A happy day and then you pay_

_And feel like shit the morning after_

I'm content in knowing that Jackie makes me happy. Isn't that close enough to love? Do we have to examine every word, every gesture? When we were sitting in the El Camino and she compared me to Kelso, I felt like I was going to explode. Every single moment with Jackie, from the summer to that moment, ran through my mind and I wondered how I let it get so wrong. And when she said it was over, well…Hyde doesn't cry, but Steven sometimes does.

_But now I feel changed around_

_And instead of falling down_

_I'm standing up the morning after_

Being Steven isn't easy. I've been Hyde since I was five years old, and I wasn't sure I knew how to be different. But Jackie…Jackie knew. Jackie threw her heart and soul into our relationship, she believed in me, she tried to make me believe in myself. But old habits die hard, and believing in me proved harder than it sounded. Jackie trusted us, trusted _me_, and I couldn't bring myself to show her the same respect. Having been wronged by the woman who was supposed to love and nurture me—my mother—made it impossible to trust anyone, but…well, let's just say I am expert at killing a good thing.

_Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later_

_I could be another fool or an exception to the rule_

_You tell me the morning after_

I guess I was just waiting for Jackie to screw up. I always expect the worst, probably because people always expect the worst of me. It's not Forman's fault that I became what everyone thought I would be—a vandal, a criminal. It's my own. When Jackie told me she loved me, at first I couldn't bring myself to believe her. But when I finally started to believe in her, I saw her with Kelso. I guess I always expected her to go back to him; I mean, she always did, no matter how often he cheated. And when I saw them…I was so angry at myself for believing someone loved me that something inside me snapped.

_Crooked spin can't come to rest_

_I'm damaged bad at best_

_She'll decide what she wants_

I used to hate her, and that's not a lie. She was obnoxious and superficial and shallow. She was everything I hated in society. But on Veteran's Day when she made the move and kissed me for the first time, I started understanding what that saying meant. _Opposites attract._ Of course I said I didn't feel anything, but I did. And she went back to Kelso, and I had to be Zen for a long time before that fateful day watching the Price Is Right. I'm good at holding in emotions, but I waited a long time for her. And she finally came…and I'm the one who forced her away.

_I'll probably be the last to know_

_No one says it til it shows_

_See how it is, they want you or they don't_

Country music really was written for the heartbroken, although I wouldn't go that far in describing my state. I'm young, I can find other girls. But they're not Jackie. No one can ever be Jackie. She made me feel like a person. She made me do things I would never do. I shaved my beard to make her feel better when her dad went to prison; she forced me to get in contact with WB, and that changed my life. _She_ changed my life.

_Say yes_

So I'll just say it. I am in love with Jackie Burkhart. She's the only one I have ever been able to be Steven around, and now it's over. Turns out the butterflies she causes in my stomach is love. Love _does_ hurt. You don't know what you got until it's gone, man. You just don't know.


End file.
